I was once put on ‘spotlight’ here; the day when I became the captain of the classy crew.
For long time that title has meant nothing to me. But because of certain events that I stumbled on yesterday has made me realize my position. Or what it used to be and how I have abused it.
I have never been a leader type or a spokeman to anything. I like to sit back, observe and think for long periods of time on my own. But I’m loud about my opinions when asked on. If someone tells me I should be different person… changes are I will transform to that person. That happened when suddenly I was center of small group of people’s attention. It was new and exciting. And stressful. I didn’t want to disappoint these new friends I was making like crazy for first time in ten years. I wantes to be this captain person; strong, loyal, reliable, hard to crack, hard working, idea making rainbow machine. This was my own fault of believing this was the person we needed. For what? I have no idea. But damn I was going to try it. Oh my god did I try, I sang. I got syddenly in this weird new scenario were my words and affection to strangers I have never met in my life, mattered. I was… someone. Someone who tried to step further in the spotlight. But I was unaware of what it would bring. I didn’t understand how serious I was about this whole Classy Crew and this new captain identity. And mostly, how ignorant I was about what I said to people following this captain. I think some might have saw me as a rolemodel, tumblr famious even for a very brief moment. I am infact none of those. I am a transexual with a long medical record of depression. I didn’t understand how powerful my words were to some. I hurt people without realizing it. I said and did very stupid things as the captain. I didn’t care. I had my own goals I tired to push on people and make them believe I was right. I am pretty sure I have abused my position in the past. I hurt people. I lost friends. Because I didn’t realize the spotlight really was on me and my words mattered so much to some of you.
I dunno if writing at 4am is a good thing but I have been thinking about this for 24 hours now nonstop. And I need to get this of my chest badly and get once and for all rid of this bad persona I masked myself behind. I am honestly just a very lonely guy who was so happy for the attention I finally got. But I used that attention wrongly and did bad things like verbally and mentally abused people until they left or started hate me. And for right reasons.
I finally understood what a manipulative little shit I have been. How I made some of you feel so bad about yourselves, guilt trip you, used your kidness, bossed you around and make things about me and my goals in the classy crew’s captain.
I will hang over my top hat abd the nick name captain and disband classy crew. I will not delete anything or unfollow or such. This is my way of hanging over the power I had briefly and starting fresh. I don’t want to be remembered as the captain. I’m just some nerd who only wants to draw his gay OC Mr Firefly all day and night until my right hand dies. And reblog random crap and wish I could play all the video games…
I’m not a classy person you all though I am. But I wanna do one last classy act and apoligize to as many people as possible for the captain character letting get to my head and made me stray from the path which ended hurting many people on the way.
I know this won’t reach out to some of the people I wronged. But I dunno how else to contact you all and I wanted to do something.
Lesson of the day; someone is looking up to you - be good to them. And to the people around you too. Don’t guilt trip them, don’t judge their opinions or their works, never abuse anyone in anyway. Mental and verbal abuses are dangerous tools to destroy someone’s self esteem for good. Please be kind to each other.
MY OPINION ON THINGS CHANGE FREQUENTLY AS I LEARN MORE STUFF ABOUT THE THING PLEASE DO NOT HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE FOR SOMETHING I SAID THREE YEARS AGO
A little video games museum we went to in Helsinki and some Chinese!! Aaah it was great =w=
I thought the shopping bags were a bit heavy
if you use my colored pencils you better put them back in rainbow order
yeah, between him being a hair ninja and my shitty memory that’s probably why I thought it was way shorter than it actually was xD
Hair ninja. Indeed. Hahaa. That he is. Always damn tickling me with his fab hair. Grrr.
ah, maybe my memory’s kind of fuzzy then, for some reason I remember it being a LOT shorter when I saw you guys back in December, but maybe I just forgot xD either way, the long hair really suits him :)
His hair is all over the place and hidden at times AKA inside a hoodie and such. Maybe that made it look shorter. :P
Call him single
“CORGI DOWN! I REPEAT, CORGI DOWN!!
I Would Play Any Game on Earth (But I Won’t Play That) by Jon Tron
looks like you guys are having a lot of fun this summer :D and wow, I didn’t know Sam grew his hair out so long, it really suits him though :3
It does. <3 He has had a long hair for a while now. Like since last fall I think. XD He hasn’t show it to people I guess his lovely mess of a hair. Hih.
Few picturea from today’s mini trip to Helsinki. I needed to get out and forget bad people for a moment. Which ended up as a nice day with lots of walking and a cute companion cube plushie to me to being back home. :3 We bought manga too and then had asian wok stuff, which was very nice. And we found Star’s sunglasses which he lost two nights ago when we went to go see How To Train Your Dragon 2. Now back home and very tired. But happy in the end even after this morning’s ‘little’ shock information that I found… please do not ask me about it. Its fairly upsetting stuff…